Do people always seem to take advantage of you?
Do you feel that you are being taken for granted?
And it is a cliché, but have you ever been taken for a ride?!
We can all sometimes feel overlooked, ignored or made to feel that we didn’t count.
Other times you might think that you are doing so much for someone and yet at the end of the day you feel rather empty and used.
The phrase that comes to mind here is that perhaps you are bending over backwards to help someone.
It is actually okay to do that sometimes – for example if a friend is in dire straits or you are supporting someone through a major loss. I remember the time when I lost my father and people were just so supportive and helpful.
During this bereavement period, a lot of wonderful friends were very supportive and offered to meet me for coffee and a chat. That was great but I also felt I needed my own space for a while.
Since then, I have had a friend with a bereavement, and though I too offered to meet her for a chat, I have also given her a lot of space for her personal grief. So do offer your support to others but not to the point of becoming a pain.
Clearly sometimes it is okay to help someone in everyway we can. But if this becomes your normal way of being, then the chances are you will end up feeling rather frustrated and used.
So how can you get around this?
1. Get clear about what you want
It is important to be clear up front about what you want, since if you don’t know why you are helping or what it is you wish to happen, then you could end up feeling drained and rather frustrated.
We have all been so overly influenced by what we should do, must do and ought to do that now what we really want has been deeply suppressed.
So be authentic and do what you want to do in your life.
I remember helping out a friend a few years ago to the point it got so draining for me that in the end our friendship suffered and ultimately ended.
In any situation, ask yourself what is your intention and your desired outcome. For instance, when I was helping out this friend, I could have been clear in my mind why I was doing so.
Ultimately I realised that it may have had something to do with my own desire to feel wanted. With this new self-awareness, I got my freedom to be myself in that situation – and the friendship soon fizzled away naturally.
I guess it all comes back to increasing your own self-esteem so you do not ever let others treat you badly.
At the same time, I am not suggesting that one must have an ulterior motive anytime you wish to help or give of yourself – just be clear upfront why you are doing so, even if it is nothing more than wanting to feel good about yourself! And that is okay too.
2. Know that your needs count and you are important.
In any situation you have a choice whether to go along with doing something or not or even doing something entirely different.
Once you are clear about what you want, then be sure to communicate this clearly so there are no misunderstandings.
I remember many a time I have agreed to do something where deep down I really didn’t want to do so – even something as minor (or major?) as agreeing with a friend to watch some mindless soap on television rather than going for a walk.
I guess it is okay to compromise but not if it becomes a habit with you always being the one giving in.
In such a situation I have found it best that both parties decide to do their own thing – after all in any relationship or friendship, richness comes from having a spectrum of varied and colourful interests.
So set your boundaries and people will respect you. Generally I would like to think that I am a very easy-going guy and happy to go along with a situation to maintain a peaceful environment. Of course I have not always been so and I have had a colourful past of being most disagreeable:-)
Nowadays I am quite laid back and I would like to think almost Zen like most of the time – but if I ever feel that someone is being unreasonable or crossing my perceived boundaries of good behaviour, I am willing to fight my corner, tooth and nail. It is all about respecting the rights of others, but not to the point of your own rights being completely smothered.
3. Clear up any misunderstandings as they happen.
It is important to have no bad feelings between you and those around you. If you ever feel used or taken for granted, it is best to air this sooner rather than later.
Quite often you will find that the other person was not even aware they were having that effect on you. After all, remember that not everyone is as self aware as you are!
Unless you clear the air, resentments could begin to simmer away and one day explode, normally sparked by some minor incident.
A while ago I had a new neighbour who was extremely noisy for the first few weeks. I tolerated his music (i.e. noise to me) for a while and then in the end we had a face to face discussion whereby he agreed to only play and practice his music during certain hours.
However the noise soon resumed late at night and though I tried to be Zen like once again, I finally got fed up. I learnt that my capacity for sending positive vibes to someone disagreeable is much lower than I had previously thought it was!
Just as I was about to lose my rag, the local council authority’s noise abatement people came around and served him with a noise control notice just after midnight. I have had more peaceful nights since then 
4. Be prepared to let go and move on – cut your losses.
Sometimes you just have to let go and move on – such as when my friendship with the draining friend ended. It is not even about saving face or satisfying your ego – it is really about respecting yourself enough to move on.
There is only so much giving you can do in a situation – and if you feel that those around you cannot give you the respect you deserve, then take stock of the situation and ask yourself if you want to continue to be taken for granted any longer.
Many a time in the past, I have found myself in a disagreeable situation and looking back now, I realise that actually the situation wasn’t that bad really.
Standing up for what I wanted and then moving away was much easier than I might have expected at the time. It all comes back to knowing what you really want and not accepting anything less.
5. Enjoy the ride and learn for next time.
As with anything else in life, it is all part of your growth and your learning.
Enjoy the experience of bending over backwards whilst you can and if you can. But once you are ready to absorb the learnings and move, you will be better prepared for the next similar situation in your life.
Be ready and willing to help others as much as you can, but not to your detriment.
Do cultivate peaceful relationships with equal give and take; and do tolerate those around you as long as they don’t infringe on your space – and you will never again feel that you are bending over backwards for others.
It is always good to be nice to others but start with being nice to yourself first.
To help others and make it happen, first help yourself by strengthening your own self-respect.
What are your own stories of bending over backwards for others?
And what did you do to overcome that?
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Arvind
I think you’ve made a hugely important point in number 4. A lot of people hang onto relationships out of duty, but every now and again you have to let go of people. This is what growing is all about, learning from others whilst they learn from you and then move on when and if it’s time.
Great post, love the way you have laid it out.
Great pointers here to create more autonomy and free living. We all spend so many hours people pleasing and often dont know how to honour ourselves without offending the other party. One of the first lessons of Attraction in our lives is to be selfish. Only when we are full can we give selflessly to others.
Great tips as always Arvind.
Hi Arvind. Great post. I really can relate to point 4 – the need to let go. This happened several times through my life and although it was tough in the beginning I realized that it was an essential learning process for me and them.
It is part of the human development to find the inner balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.
@Patrick – @Steven Aitchison –
Thanks Steven and Patrick for highlighting the importance of letting go in point 4.
So often we hang on to something or someone till well after the sale by date has gone.
I guess this is partly due to a fear factor – not knowing that there is something even better around the corner.
But once we pluck up the courage to do so, miracles can happen…
Great post Arvind, i really can relate with #4. Letting go becomes easier when you realize you are not appreciated. Over time, i learned to give just because i want to and expect nothing in return. Expecting favor in return will sometime only result in disappointment, so the less you expect, the better you are.
Karlil, you are absolutely right – one should only give without any expectation in return.
Usually when you give with an expectation, the receive senses this anyway and as a result the act of giving becomes less “noble”.
You make good points here, Arvind. It’s natural to want to help people out, but there should be limits. It’s not so much about being selfish as realizing that you are an important person too, and that you need to spend some time taking care of yourself
Great post Arvind–very insightful.
You asked for our own experiences of overcoming the habit of bending over backwards. Right away I thought about my mother.
About a year and a half ago we had to move her into a nursing home. Already suffering from Alzheimer’s, she had fallen and broken a hip. While she was in the hospital we found out she was terminally ill. We didn’t have the ability to care for her at home.
She didn’t object to the move, but afterwards she became very very fearful. She was disoriented and couldn’t get hold of herself. I tried so hard to reassure her but it seemed to make it worse, not better. Finally after some weeks I realized that not only was it painfully hard for me, but that she was getting more worked up, not less, by my attempts to make her feel better.
The best thing I could do for both her and me, was to leave.
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done–but definitely the right choice (together with a call to her doctor, who prescribed a couple of medications for her that helped).
Thanks Kye for sharing your moving story.
Though it must have been so hard for you at the time, it really was the best thing all around – a case of being cruel to be kind.
You can rest assured that your mother would have completely understood if she had been fully aware of her faculties.
Arvind,
how very valuable your latest post was for me! it was a good reminder to stop and actually notice how far i’ve come in all that you state. definitely a steep learning curve- the hard way. Being clear about my boundaries was one of the hardest lessons to learn.
thank you!
ps- i loved the structure of this piece and the warped photo
Tania – I can vouch for you in confirming how far you have come in the time I have known you.
In the last 5 years you have certainly blossomed and part of that process has been letting go and looking after yourself more. And I guess you will be doing this more than ever before from now onwards on the health front.
Be Prepared to Cut Ties. As undesirable as it is to lose a friend, I love how this step highlights that someone who only takes and takes isn’t really a friend.
Exactly – there is only so much “giving” we can all do.
I find that if it is all one way, after a while I get resentful and my energy of giving subtly changes.
You make excellent points in this post, Arvind. The part about knowing that your own needs count strikes a real chord with me. A relationship should be a two-way street, even around minor things like deciding what movie to watch. If a guy, for example, never wants to see a movie his GF wants to see and calls it a “chick flick,” what does that say about their relationship? It says that her wishes count for nothing.
Personally I would be delighted to go and watch a “chick flick” – but obviously there would have to be give and take about other things to do too – such as a football match. Or perhaps that would be going too far the other way?!
I don’t think it’s going too far the other way, Arvind. For example,when the Stanley Cup hockey games were on, I started watching them with my BF, who’s a big fan. It was exciting, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
I would have to say that I frequently find myself on the side of bending over backwards. I’m quite passive, in general. From my point of view, most battles aren’t worth the energy to fight, so I don’t let it bother me.
It can fester sometimes, even in my marriage. And when it becomes too much usually it takes just a certain look by me or a slight change of tone, and that gets my point across quite clearly, that enough is enough.
I liked how you laid out this article Arvind, very thought-provoking.
- Charley
Charley, I guess it is okay to be passive but not to the point where you become a mat for otehrs to trod all over.
I do agree with you about most battles in life not worth fighting ovre – a good example is when someone races away from us at the traffic lights or if someones cuts us of on the road. Well, they might arrive at their destination five seconds earlier than you, but so what?
It is great to have certain procedures or anchor to shift our state when we are at the point of erupting after too much resentful giving in. This is key in probably the most important external relationship in our life i.e. with our other half.
Charley, thanks too for the feedback about the article layout – it helps to know what is working for my readers.
Hi Arvind,
You have some really great insights here.
For me it’s Knowing that my needs count and that I am important. I think a lot of us under valuate ourselves and we really need to appreciate ourselves more.
This is not an easy realization. One must have the courage and firmness to face the challenges you have stated above. But mastering this principle will be truly liberating.
I can so totally relate and a perfect example of a few days ago when a friend of mine was helping another friend for their wedding. She did so much and got such little appreciation that she ended up walking away feeling bitter.
I learned this lesson well a long time ago and I’ve never looked back!
Superb post!
x
Thanks Amit for sharing your story.
Weddings can be very taut and tense affairs so maybe your friend’s friend didn’t really intend to be unappreciative.
I remember a time when a friend went and helped out at his friend’s sister’s Indian wedding. It was a grand affaird and my friend spent a couple of hours helping out in the kitchen before he realised he was at the wrong wedding!!!
So sometimes the universe balances things out:-)
Hey Arvind, I really relate to point one. There was a time when I was so lost in what I “should” do, that I blamed myself if I did not help someone to the extent of abusing myself.
It took a lot of telling myself that my needs were important to me and that “doing what I really wanted was the only true and fulfilling way to live.”
Now I feel that doing what I truly want is all that really, really matters deep down. And very interestingly I now find that I really want to help out many, many times and feel vey nice about it!
After all what is the point of friendship without genuineness?
Thank you for your “connecting” post.
Meghashyam, well done for realising that your needs are important to you and realising that what you truly want deep down is really what matters to you.
I bet your true friends now also appreciate and respect you more. That’s what I usually find – the moment you respect yourself more, then those around you also do the same.
I am forever bending backwards for people. My weakness is that I feel guilty if I don’t. Unfortunately my father and myself are exactly the same. We always seem to help others to the point that so much advantage is taken from the people that we are helping that we both vow not to help again. I then think I have mug written across my face.
The next time someone asks for help. We are back to square 1. We can’t say no.
Jotika, knowing you and your father well, I can see just what you mean. I have always found you both willing and happy to help anyone out.
Sometimes we can all be too “nice” and once in a while it is okay to say NO.
I guess there comes a time when you just have to point blank refuse – it is after all about looking after yourself first. If you are not well, who will you ever look after again?!
RT @iHerb How to Stop Bending over Backwards for Other People all the Time: http://bit.ly/1989Tg
I have a classic example from just a few days ago!
I enjoy a local children’s playgroup and most weeks I arrive first to open up. Last week was my friend’s turn to do it, but she was ill. I really wanted to go to another group that hardly ever meets, but couldn’t contact anybody to take responsibility. So I went off to the usual playgroup – and NOBODY showed up!
In hindsight, I should have roleplayed this – what was the worst thing that could happen if I did what I wanted to do? Nothing terrible at all. I have to remember that most people have a healthier concern with their own needs and I don’t always have to be the one inconvenienced.
Thanks for your blog!
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