We all need people to make our life a more joyous one.
We often miss out on great opportunities to create friendships and yet it is actually quite simple to get new people to like you and want to have you as a friend.
You simply have to learn and apply these 10 key secrets for making people like you when you first meet them:-
1. Smile.
The best thing you can do when you meet someone for the first time is simply smile!
This is the number one secret for getting people to like you instantly – and it is free:-)
Try this time next you are in a crowd of strangers. Just smile gently and see what reaction you get back.
You can even go through your whole life wearing a goofy smile all the time – if nothing else, people will wonder what you are smiling about!
2. Remember their name.
When you first meet someone, ask them their name and then be sure to remember it.
If their name is unusual ask them how it should be correctly pronounced and even ask where it is from.
Be sure to address them by their name early on in the conversation – that will also help you remember it.
To most people, the sound of their own name is the most beautiful sound in the world!
3. Look people in the eye.
In any conversation, look at the person you are talking to and maintain eye contact as appropriate. This will also help you follow what they are saying.
Clearly you don’t want to spook them out by fixedly staring into their eyes either!
If you can’t get used to the idea of looking people in the eye, then practice looking into your own eyes in front of a mirror. This can be quite a confrontational exercise for some people but it will do wonders for your own self-acceptance.
4. Listen completely.
The greatest gift you can give a person is your undivided attention. Practise your listening skills by focusing completely on that person and being present.
Give them your 100% attention. Stop your mind from wandering and focus on what they are saying. Make the other person feel important. Your undivided attention tells the other person that you genuinely value them.
Be genuinely interested in other people. The emphasis here is on being interested rather than ‘interesting’. Be genuine about this and do not fake it. Focus on what they have to say rather than harping on about yourself and your own grandness!
Just remember the old saying – we all have two ears and one mouth – use them accordingly.
The key is to be completely present for the other person and to truly listen with your heart.
5. Build empathy and rapport.
As you listen, build empathy and rapport with your new friend.
Focus not on just the words but the nuances of what they are saying. For example, do they sound excited or bored when they talk about their job?
You will also pick up clues and remember what to talk about later in your conversation – they will be impressed with what you have remembered.
By truly empathising with the other person, you will get to understand better their point of view. And people just adore those who are interested in their point of view!
6. Look for opportunities of helping them.
As you get to know someone better, look for ways of helping and supporting them perhaps by referring them to a friend who could be interested in their service.
Look for ways of connecting new friends with any existing like minded friends. If you have promised to do something for them, make sure you do so promptly.
You will soon create a reputation as someone who is highly connected, someone who can be trusted and someone who delivers!
One trick I use is to write down in my contacts database, the details of any new person I meet plus a couple of personal details such as what they do and their passions.
I can then easily seek out potential connections for them there and then or sometime in the future. My acquaintances are always surprised as to how much I remember from conversations we had years ago.
Sadly, having now revealed my “secret” they will no longer be surprised 
7. Don’t give advice!
Sometime during a conversation with a new friend, you may be tempted to simply butt in and offer a solution.
However before you do so, always seek permission before you offer your input as people don’t like to be seen to be helpless.
Also, your advice should be subtly delivered rather than telling them bluntly what they should do.
Of course as your friendship develops you can be more forthcoming with your words of wisdom – but again with their permission of course.
Needless to say, it is important to be respectful of other people’s feelings and opinions. Be tactful as appropriate to the situation.
At the same time, though some people may seek out your advice they just don’t want to change – in that case, let them be and don’t make it your issue.
8. Be positive.
Everyone likes to be around positive, energetic and bubbly, and not someone who is a merchant of doom and gloom.
As I heard someone say once – some people light up the room when they enter it, others light it up when they leave! Which one would you rather be?
So never dump your stuff on others. Life is too short to go around with a miserable face.
Also, learn to only say good things about others – never gossip about others as it will inevitably come back to you, and affect your friendships. Assume that anyone you are talking about can hear what you are saying about them. And actually at a subconcsious level they are.
If people know you as a positive person who doesn’t get involved in gossiping, they will know you can be trusted and you will soon have a reputation as someone with integrity.
9. Be friendly and open.
It goes without saying that you must be friendly and open to make new friends! Yet so often people go through life closed and not open to new opportunities and friendships.
Knowing that everyone around you is doing the best they can, you can let down your own guard and become more open and even vulnerable.
Show your appreciation and gratitude in every way you can. Say your thanks genuinely and wholeheartedly to your new friends and especially to all those strangers who do so much to make your life convenient and easy, such as shop assistants, the postman and the dustman.
Your new friends will gauge you on how well you treat strangers – so make it a life long habit be always pleasant and friendly to all strangers who cross your path.
10. Be authentic and yourself.
Do you go through life trying to impress others with your status, fame and achievements? If that is the case, then know that doing so rarely makes people genuinely like you.
From today onwards, give up trying to impress others and especially so when you meet new people. Instead of blowing your own trumpet too loudly, just be authentic.
Who you are will shine through more brightly than any number of accolades or worldly ornaments. Just remember what Gandhi achieved with his simple garb!
Final words
People will come and go from your life, but their impact and their essence remains with you forever.
It is therefore up to you what you make of their presence in your life – and by applying these 10 secrets of making people like you, you will never again be short of friends:-)
What are your secrets for making people like you?
Please do share…
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Arvind, really connecting with people is one of the most inspiring, fulfilling and valuable actions we can do.
All of the steps are so simple, yet we forget, that it is in those small steps that we build or break our relationships with people.
Thanks for reminding us.
Thanks Patrick – as I have said before there is no rocket science in all of these things. The steps are indeed simple – yet we forget and end up over analysing.
Great points Arvind.
One secret I learned for making people like you is through NLP. Through NLP you learn to really listen to what people have to say and find out their values. If you can talk about what people value such as health or education you can really build a rapport with them and be empathetic.
Thanks Jai – as they say in NLP everyone has their own model of the world. So to build rapport get into their model and thwie viewpoint of the world.
It all comes down again to truly listening to what people say – and also don’t say.
Hi Arvind,
Thank you very much for your post. It has been a while since I starting receiving your posts and reading them. But believe me, this is the best post I have ever read so far. Thank you for sharing the 10 secrets on how to make people like you. When I saw the headlines before reading the post, I thought to myself that you are advocating for self-evident facts, but when I read the details I found out that you are totally right. I will remember to smile, to listen, to keep eye contact, to show interest in what others are saying, to show empathy, to be willing to offer help and support, to have positive thoughts, to be myself, to be friendly and to be authentic.
Have a great day and keep smiling.
Zeina
Thanks Zeina for your kind words and for being a regular reader of my blog.
It is always encouraging to receive such positive feedback – and inspires me to write even more frequently.
We all need people in our life so why not make the most of our relationships and make them cordial,amicable and happy?!
You have a great day too – and keep smiling:-)
Hey Arvind,
As I mentioned to you on Facebook this is probably the first time I’m going to disagree with you.
I don’t ever see a need to get people to like you. I used to be one of those people and if there’s anything I’ve learned now through doing comedy and radio is that people will like you regardless and also people will hate you for no reason sometimes. I’m not going to try and make them like me. I’ve done my job by being the best ME that I choose to be. My goal is not to please anyone else but to true to my values.
I wanted to address each point one by one…
1. Smile – That definitely goes without saying, I couldn’t agree more!
2. “To most people, the sound of their own name is the most beautiful sound in the world!” – LOL that’s both funny and true!
3. No arguments there!
4. I think people are putting too much emphasis on being a good listener these days to the point where people are forgetting the lost art of contribution. Yes listen well and a good sign that you’ve been listening well is that you contribute to the conversation. It should be an equal exchange. Not one sided.
5. Empathy is great and that’s important. Rapport is another matter though. I believe one of the other comments mentioned values and rapport. There are also times when it’s good to break rapport such as with flirting.
6. I’m not keen on this word helping. Unless it’s getting people to help themselves. From a life coaching perspective I’ve realised now that the kind of help I was giving some people was actually detrimental to them. For instance women who were particularly emotional and wanted support. I noticed many who asked for help in one way but then resisted that help and made them focus on their problems even more. I realised now that to stand there and listen to someone whine about their problem was in no way helping them. It was a drain on me and I was succumbing to their negativity in many ways. Now I shut people down quickly with humour and then use other methods of lifting them. For example if those personality types come to me and say I’m depressed I say ‘good, now go and be as depressed as you can be!!’ It took me a while to make this realisation and once I started using it I saw how effective it can be! (Almost like you mentioned in your other article about not bending over backwards for people.)
7. Don’t give advice? Wow I’m the total opposite. Seek permission? I don’t do that. When I speak I speak with authority and confidence. You can tell by someone’s tone if they want advice and then I give it! I had a meeting with a colleague from the radio station recently and was asking me indirectly about my thoughts on his ideas. I knew exactly what he was doing and I gave my opinion as open and honestly as possible. If I can offer experience based opinion then even better.
I guess it all comes down to the type of situation. If I feel my advice will add value to the exchange then I will offer it!
8. I also don’t buy into the fallacy of being positive all the time. Sometimes people hate people who are positive all the time. It’s not about that and my reason for being positive is not to MAKE friends. If I feel like being pissed off, I will be pissed off. If I feel like being in a mood for couple of hours I do whatever I need to get through that phase quickly and move on. Positivity is a by-product of a deeper understanding of your own purpose in life. You don’t have to put on positivity…that’s something that will come naturally. Another thing people often miss is that positivity and negativity are relative and both are needed! One cannot co-exist without the other. Love them both.
9 + 10 again I couldn’t agree more!
–
Am I worried that you might not like me just because I disagree with your article? Heck no!! I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that me being honest with you about this article in the long run will strengthen our relationship as friends.
If I were going to write a similar article I probably would’ve given it the title of something like ’10 ways of building a magnetic personality’
Another thought that came to me. Why is someone like Simon Cowell so popular? It’s because he doesn’t care what people think about him and that is a magnetic quality.
I’ve kind of rushed this response but I hope I’ve been succinct at conveying my thoughts!
Amit
Dearest Amit!
I love it when people get into such detailed conversation. This is what adds more richness and content to any blog.
Firstly Amit, rest assured that writing this comment will not in any way impact our friendship! After all how can you improve anything that is already so good!
I shall answer you for each point where you have disagreed on, but firstly let me clarify that I am not advocating manipulating people in any way whatsoever. We should always take each other at face value.
However so often when we meet people for the first time those first impressions last.
Also despite the advent of online social networking, I still believe in face to face networking and my article was intended for those occasions when we meet someone for the first time. Perhaps I should have made that clearer.
I am not suggesting that we should always try and get people to like us nor that we should be bending over backwards all the time (see previous post about this).
I would like to expand further on those points you have “disagreed” with:-
Point 5 – For succesful and fun flirting, you can not even begin to start flirting unless you have established rapport first!
Point 6 – I agree with you that so often we can actually harm other people’s growth by offering to help them. But you can certainly show them a way and let them do the hard work. As you say, help people help themselves.
Again this point was aimed at when you first meet someone at a networking event – you can suggest resources and offer connections as appropriate.
Remember contribution is a big thing for me and having established rapport and listened carefully, I do offer help and support – if appropriate. And more often than not, it is about helping them help themselves.
As you might have experienced yourself, sometime being positive and friendly can mean people can take you for a ride!
Point 7 – I would argue with you here that in most one to one situations, it is better to seek permission before giving advice. Unless you have already established such good rapport or if during the course of your conversation, it is clear that this is what the other person wants.
Look back in your own life and remember a situation when someone has barged in and told you what to do! How did you feel internally about that?
When I first started coaching, I was on a mission to single-handedly change the world, and began “coaching” every person I met! I soon got their backs up and I must have come across as cocky, arrogant and a “Mr Know-it-all”!
Point 8
Of course we should be our authentic self at all times. And it that means we are feeling down and not so positive then so be it.
I would then suggest that that is not the best time for you to be out there meeting new people!
At a networking or social event wouldn’t you rather speak to the happy confident looking person or the one who looks miserable?!
I am a strong believer in feeling good all the time or as much as you possibly can. If you are not feeling great, then check in with yourself and do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.
You have a second by second built in radar that tells you where you are at – and we can use it to raise our spirits
So there we are – I await your further comments.
Still friends:-)
PS And I totally agree with what you said at the beginning.
Who you are being stands out more brightly and loudly than anything you do or any words you say ever can!
PPS Amit – you also get the award for the longest ever comment left on my blog!!!
10 Secrets for Making People Like You – http://bit.ly/Bot9D
10 Secrets for Making People Like You! | Arvind Devalia’s Make It Happen http://tinyurl.com/ydwnhsu Read it!
As usual Arvind, your contributions make the world a better place.
I must say I think we owe Amit a vote of thanks, for questioning, and thereby jolting us out of complacency! There is a danger that we all (if we’re not careful) nod sagely and spend all our time agreeing with one another. It takes a bit of grit to make a pearl (or something like that!).
Specifically, I could not agree more with Amit that forcing oneself to think positively is not the way forward. A bit like you can’t ‘give up’ smoking (but you CAN decide to stop! There’s a distinction…), you cannot, by willpower, make yourself positive. There are, however, many things you can do; 1. notice your emotions 2. ask are they resourceful, what do they mean 3. mind your language! (use better self-talk and conversation, biased towards possibility and hope, rather than negativity and the slippery slope to despair… I really believe that sometimes the only difference in how we feel is the words we use to describe what’s happening. 4. More than anything, recognise we’re here for a short time, let’s USE time to the max and have a great time while we are here! (Why would we do anything else?!!).
Hugs,
Paul
Welcome to my blog Paul! Where have you been?!
As I said, I love dialogue and conversations like this from which I learn so much.
The conversation thread above with Amit could have been a few blog posts!
I cannot agree with you more about having a great time whilst we are here – and yes, why would we do anything else!?
I actually believe that you can make yourself positive by willpower.
After all, it takes some willpower to apply those great techniques you suggest!
Here’s to many more passionate debates with you, Paul
Hi Arvind, good post on building a rapport with people. I wouldn’t say you should get them to like you, but building a rapport is always good, and you have listed some great tips here.
Thanks Steven – building rapport is clearly key in any relationship. It is never about wanting people to like you but at least once you have established some rapport, your relationship can me more cordial.
Dear Arvind. I truly want to contribute to this but have to go to work shortly so probably wont until the weekend. I am thrilled by all that everyone has said so far. It is a true light in my somewhat darkened day!
I would definitely like however to challenge Amit’s record of writing the longest reply. I am not planning to do so but knowing me it is a challenge worthy of prediction! 
x
Gabrielle, bring it on!
I am away on a peace retreat this weekend so I look forward to seeing your comment on Monday:-)
These are definitely great ways to not only be liked but remembered. The impressions we leave now can open up doors later on.
Hello All,
It looks like I am going to ruffle things up a little by writing what I am about to! Well, here goes…. Are you ready?
Essentially, if life was operating like it should be, there should never be a need or desire within anyone to be liked by others. If you are totally secure within yourself then this desire for people to like you is not really there. I think it could well be a real tragedy if we are frantically in search of people to like us. It shouldn’t be an effort and it should very naturally be there as a natural life process. I truly believe that if I focus on my inward self the thirst for life and people quenches itself. It satisfies itself. Then the attitude becomes, if people like me great, if they don’t great! Everything is just perfect the way it is.
Sincerely, all it needs is a genuine love of life and all things and people around me. Then joy is always there whatever happens. People will naturally come (and they usually do) but if they don’t then it is still fine. I have found that since focussing on my inner self, people have naturally been coming to me in volumes without any effort and actually all of your 10 bullets, rather than being an effort to actively create or do, happen automatically anyway. It is what I have become.
Since I have been doing my Isha Yoga and since I got deeper into my practice of the yoga that is taught, specifically Shambavi Maha Mudra, life has changed for the better. There is a great sense of inner strength, certainty, joy, security and a deep inner feeling that everything is fine. That everything is perfect. They say that what the practice does is energise the pranic body which although you cannot see physically, it has a deep impact and other people can feel it’s energy and effect on themselves. I have been doing the practice for a year and a half and my God, the right people come…. without a doubt… always! The road rage (I experienced in others!)has disappeared, people even stop to let me in the whole time, my relationship with my kids and husband has improved. Also and importantly I am well past my previous needs to get drunk, be loud or the centre of attention or always be in big social groups and be the popular one. This new found way of being in fact it is liberating! I sometimes wonder whether I am drunk on myself! (I think it is more likely I am drunk on Sadhguru!!)
Finally, there is a beautiful synchronicity in my life which creates even more perfection. For instance, today I arranged for a friend to come over last minute for early dinner tonight and I was a little bit nervous about him coming as our garden is like a jungle. So who did I bump into at my friends house just before I came home to cook? My gardener. He said someone had cancelled on him so he was able to come immediately… more and more of this is happening to me.
Life is great. Life is beautiful. I wish everyone could experience it like it is meant to be. Sadhguru rocks!
Love
Jxx
Ruffle things up Jayshree?! I can’t see you ruffling anything in your current blissful, “drunk” state!
I agree with everything you say and it is great that you have found your joy and a way of getting present to it.
Great things happen once you are happy, content and joyous within yourself – and well done for finding your “nirvana”.
However the majority of people are not yet at that stage – which is why of course they would benefit from being exposed to the work of Sadhguru and others.
In case anyone else is wondering who Jayshree is on about, please check out Sadhguru Vasudev at http://www.sadhguru.org/
Hi Arvind,
Arvind,
I take your point… many are not there yet so my point is the best thing we can do is to help them find and create joy from within themselves rather than helping them focus on external things ie finding ways of making people like them. To smile to others, listen to others completely, to be connected completely with others etc when you are miserable is not easy – to do these things when you are joyful is, as my daughters would say, easy peasy japaneasy!
Do Inner Engineering with http://www.ishafoundation.org/
and slowly slowly watch the magic happen.
Love
Jxx
Thanks Jayshree – I shall write a post soon about finding your joy from within.
In the meantime please do check out my related posts about creating more joy in your life:-
1. How to have a carnival in your life everyday
2. 10 Tips to have the Joy of Diwali all year around
With Diwali only a week away, I am sure you will find the second article very relevant – and dare I say it joyous:-)
Happy Diwali!
I think the most difficult part for me is remembering the name. I am horrible at that and sometimes I can forget the name of a person I have talked to an hour ago. This is horrible! I always try to write down the name in case I meet this person somewhere else.
I think I can add one more advice to your list Arvind. I think it is extremely important to be responsible. You can be the most interesting person in the world, the most compassionate and the funniest one but if you are not responsible then nobody will treat you seriously. By being responsible you show that you care about other people and that you value their time and interests. People will like you once they find out that they can rely on you and that you are responsible for every word you say.
Anastiya, I find that using a person’s name in the conversation soon after you have met them really helps to anchor the name.
I also find asking them to spell the name also helps especially if it is an unusual name. You can then also ask where the name originates from.
Excellent suggestion about being responsible. This is where I think being authentic and with integrity comes into play – it takes a long time to build up trust and a reputation of being someone who is responsible and yet we can lost it so easily.
Love #7 arvind. I always have the urge to give out word of advice when all they actually wanted was to have an ear to listen to their problems. It was a bad habit that thankfully I managed to ditched.
Karlil, after many painful experiences, I too have learnt to keep my big mouth shut!
I have learn this simple thing – when you have nothing to say, don’t say anything:-)
Hey Arvind et all.
It’s great to see all the wonderful responses from everyone on this post and Arvind and I’m proud to be getting that award from you!
Point – 5 I see where you’re coming from as without any rapport to being with there would be nothing to break. I think a better way of phrasing that whole thing that rapport can be achieved from doing negative things in a playful way. i.e. teasing. etc. So to get rapport it doesn’t always have to be the status quo…in fact doing the opposite sometimes can create a better result.
Point 7 – maybe the word that’s challenging here for me is the word advice. I think sharing experience is a better way of putting it for me. If someone has shared something with me…lets say their travel experiences, and I had similar experiences I would speak up and share. I wouldn’t ask before I shared. This for me applies in other situations too. Being too quiet is boring. A lively exchange is so much more fun!
It’s been a fun exchange and it’s also inspired my blog post for later today!
Hi Amit
Good to have you visit again and add your wisdom.
Glad to have clarified about the use of the word advice:-)
Keep having your lively experiences in a playful way!
Arvind, You really inspired some interesting comments with this post. I think that true listening is not as common as it might be. People often seem to be waiting until another person stops talking so they can talk instead of really listening. And I subscribe to your “No advice” rule, although I suppose we don’t all agree on what constitutes “advice.” In in all, well done.
Madeleine, it is such comments that make any blog more interesting and valuable for other readers, so keep them coming.
I am learning all the time from what others add here via their comments – and offline I am learning ot be present more and more. It really gets easier once you have the midset to truly listen.
Strangely enough, another way to make a positive connection is to ask that person to help you – with something minor and non-threatening, of course. This makes most people feel good about themselves and gives you a shared positive experience.
Jess, that’s a great point – people love to help and by enrolling them in helping you, you are opening up a possibility for them to contribute in a positive way.
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