Have you noticed how so many single people are on a quest to find “the one”?
They are looking for that one “special” person they have been waiting for all their life – the one who will supposedly sweep them away, and in one magical moment take away all their problems and make the world right for them.
Are you single and does that description resonate with you? And if you are not single, just how “special” is your relationship?
This is Day 8 of our 28 day relationships adventure in February. You can read the previous 7 articles here:-
1 – Become Aware of Your Relationships
2 – Love Yourself First Before Loving Anyone Else
3 – Love Yourself Without Becoming Full of Yourself
4 – Love is all that Matters
5 – 9 Simple Tips To Create Energising Relationships
6 – Why Decluttering your Friends is Good for You and Them
7 – Stop Bending over Backwards for Other People!
You can read all 28 articles which are listed at the bottom of this post.
Today we’ll take out adventure into the area of finding “the one”, the special one.
The question that we first have to answer here is what does “special” really mean to you? Even more importantly, just how “special” are you?!
So let us begin by looking at just what special means. Here’s a definition that my friend Nagina Shah sent me:-
Special is a word that is used to describe something one-of-a-kind like a hug, or a sunset, or a person who spreads love with a smile or kind gesture.
Special describes people who act from the heart and keep in mind the hearts of others.
Special applies to something that is admired and precious and which can never be replaced.
Special is the word that best describes you – Teri Fernandez
It is believed that a person’s uniqueness is what makes them special. But just how do you define unique?!
Uniqueness in a person is seen to be something about them that makes them different from everyone else. This person has their own style and approach to life, perhaps in the way they dress and speak, their personality traits and the way they carry themselves.
It is really someone who is confident in their own skin and their chosen path and someone who knows what they want. Having confidence in yourself certainly makes you seem very special in most people’s eyes.
What makes one person special to you and not to someone else?
“Special” is a quality either realised or in potential state that can be seen in a person.
Being special is also about just those qualities that you look for in another person.
When you find some of these qualities in a person, you may deem that person to be “special”. For example, one key thing for me is that my partner should be compassionate to others – that would make her “special” to me, amongst other things.
Sometimes we see a person in their wholeness and greatness – this we call special. It’s not always about specialness in the context of a relationship.
Ultimately, everyone is “special” but in the context of an intimate relationship, which is what we are discussing here, it’s clear that some qualities will definitely make you more special and appealing to a potential partner.
Knowing what you would consider and desire as “special” in a potential partner is actually a great place to start in cultivating and polishing your own special traits.
Why should you make yourself special?
Assuming that you are single and you want to meet the special one, believe it or not, the best place to start is with you!
Think about it – if you want to attract a really special person into your life, why should they choose you?!
For some people the chase is more exciting than actually being in a special relationship!
Remember the Groucho Marx quote:-
“I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
Assuming that you are serious and intentional in creating a special relationship, then please continue reading.
What are you looking for in the special one?
Also, get clear about what you want in “the one” – otherwise how will you know when you find him or her?
So many people base their choice on looks and the initial oomph, and then live to regret it for many years. What is even sadder for me is how people just compromise and settle for someone who is clearly not suited for them and vice versa.
I guess the real secret is to see yourself as so special that you do not settle for anyone less “special” than you!
Know what you want
Also, decide on your values and what you want in a relationship, so that you can recognise when you have found “the one”.
If you don’t know what’s really important to you in your relationship, it’s easy to be overly influenced by physical attractiveness alone. While that’s obviously important, it’s certainly not enough to sustain a loving, nurturing relationship over the years
Conversely, to create the relationship of your life and attract your dream partner, become the sort of person you want to be with. This means you cultivate those noble qualities that you would want in your partner.
In other words, become special to get the special one!
There really is no rocket science here – become the sort of special person that you would like to attract.
Maybe it is high time you got down to becoming special yourself. And below are my 14 key strategies for you to do just that.
But before you go through them all, here’s a suggestion – as you go through each one, imagine how you would like your special, dream partner to be in each area. Then you go out and become just like that!
1. Make Others Feel Special
This is possibly the most important tip I can share with you – become the sort of person who is interested in others.
I have always found that being genuinely interested in the other person always works wonders in creating a deeper human connection.
When you know what you are passionate about, and are curious about what other people are fascinated about, you automatically become a special person.
When you are being authentic and interested in them, their life and their passions, it is easy for the conversation to flow and a bond to be created.
Make others feel special and they will think of you as special!
2. Work on Your Own Growth and Personal Development
Be the best you can be. Who would you like to be with – someone who just lives day to day or someone who has a vision for their life and seeks to better himself as a person?
Are you into just material growth or do you follow personal and spiritual development?
The key here is that you get to accept and love yourself as you are. I am not suggesting you start preening yourself like a peacock or you create a superego, but just learning to accept yourself, warts and all.
You really have to love your self before you can love anyone else.
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. – Sam Keen
3. Be Kind and Considerate to Others
How do you treat people around you?
Are you gracious and polite to the people who make life so easy and convenient for you such as waiters/waitresses, shop assistants etc? Or are you rude?
Are you blunt and rude with the people that matter the most in your life and are the closest to you i.e. your family?
Do you gossip and bitch about others in their absence?
What would your special partner think of you if she saw you behaving in that manner?
It is simple really – treat others the way you would want them to treat you. Literally put yourselves in their shoes and see how your own behaviour softens and comes from a nobler, loftier place.
Also, the way you treat other people is ultimately how you will end up treating your partner. So spend some time, honestly reflecting on just how you treat other people.
Become a people person. Learn how to become more likeable and amicable.
4. Lead a Life of Purpose
If you are going to spend the rest of your life (hopefully) with the special one, then that is a long time! So once the initial euphoria and excitement has worn off, what will keep you together?
You need a common life purpose, something meaningful and deep that will keep you together and going strong when the bills are piling up and the metaphoric dark clouds are overhead.
However not knowing your life purpose does not mean that you now spend the next few years seeking your life purpose and putting your relationship desires on hold. Simply choose to live a life of love and kindness – and make that your purpose.
5. Get Clear About Relationships and What you Desire
As well as getting clear about what you want in your life, also reflect on what you desire in a relationship and a partner – the clearer you are, the easier it is to find someone like that.
It is probably worth while spending a bit of time on this – reflect on past relationships and what worked / what didn’t. You may also look around for role models in your life.
Please stay away from looking for role models in the media amongst so called celebrities or in soap operas!
6. Take Great Self-Care
Do you look after your health or are you a couch potato?
Think about it – once you are with the “special” one, you will need a lot of energy for all that fun with each other.
Focus on becoming healthy and fit – a little bit every day will go a long way. Don’t go crazy – just follow a simple sustained programme of improvement.
7. Keep Your Home and Space Clutter Free
If you met the special one today, is your home fit enough for them to visit you?
This is perhaps one of the most important things you can do to make yourself more special. Clear out the junk from your life and your home. You will also benefit subconsciously.
Start here by going through my 20 questions that will simplify your life forever.
Every question where you have answered YES is an area for immediate action. No holding back!
Remember – why would someone special go for a slob?!
8. Follow your Passion and Create a Fun Life
You must already have a life of your own before you can invite the special one into your life.
Be passionate about your life and your special interests. Follow your interests such as salsa, hiking and sports – anything that tickles your fancy. Do things on your own or with friends.
Don’t wait till you find your special one to begin living. Start now!
Also by doing so, you are more likely to meet the special one during such activities.
9. Learn New Things
Do you take part in the same, routine activities or do you try out new things?
By taking part in new activities, not only will you be making new friends and learning new things, you also become more interesting to potential partners.
A while ago, I took up African drumming and I made many new friends through this, as well as learning a really enjoyable hobby.
Here is a challenge for you – in the next 7 days, do something completely different and let me know how you got on:-)
10. Let Go of the Past
This is a big one – are you being held back by your past? Do you still harbour regrets over past “failed” relationships and resentment against ex-partners?
Deal with any past issues and partners now rather than when you meet the one. Let go of your baggage.
Of course many deep seated issues can also be addressed with a close, loving partner, but that will be a topic for a future article.
If need be, seek out specialist help from a coach, counsellor or therapist. Remember, you want to be as whole and complete as possible before you meet the special one.
11. Have an Abundant, Generous Attitude
As well as being kind to all around you, adopt an abundant and generous approach to life.
Do you think the special one will be attracted to someone who is tight or a cheapskate?
Be open and generous with your praise, material goods, money, resources, wisdom and time.
Read here about abundance, abundance, abundance – and apply in your life from now onwards.
Of course don’t flaunt your wealth or be a show-off and only share your opinion or wisdom where appropriate and with permission. Don’t be a smart alec!
12. Become Refined
Look for any rough edges in your behaviour that could be polished up. For example, do you swear a lot, tell really crude jokes or often get drunk and legless? Do you lose your temper easily?
If so, then address those rough edges soon before your special one sees just how crude you are!
Of course you may well choose to continue with those traits if that’s what you also want in your partner, but I suspect not.
13. Be Emotionally Mature
Will your partner be able to express their feelings and viewpoints without you switching off, becoming cold or even jumping down their throat?
Just how easy going and amenable are you?
Will you bring out the best in your partner, or will you stifle them?
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
– Roy Croft
Ask your close family and friends for feedback about this – or if you are really brave and open to possibly critical feedback, ask ex-partners.
Seek help in this area if appropriate.
14. Develop a Sense of Humour
Finally, you must be a fun person to be around with. Otherwise why would any one special even seek you out?
Learn to be light-hearted about things and don’t let any minor little thing get your back up.
Learn to laugh easily and often – lighten up. Life is too short to be grumpy, regardless of whether you are single or not.
“Remember to smile and to smile often. Every time you smile, someone could be falling in love with you in that moment.” – Unknown
The Real Reason For Becoming Special
So there you are – my 14 pointers to creating a more special you, in readiness for the relationship of your life.
Actually, whether or not you are seeking the special one, or if you are already in a relationship, adopting all of the above principles will make you a better, more rounded human being any way.
And what better reason than that to start becoming more special from today onwards?!
It’s time to unwrap the special person that always exists within you!
Please do share below your own insights about becoming special – and seeking out the special one.
Daily Exercise for Today
Choose at least 3 of the above 14 strategies and see how you can apply them in your life from today onwards.
And then share below how you began to become even more special.
And if you haven’t already done so, do check out the other articles in this relationship series below:-).
28 Day Relationship Adventure
Postscript – Here are the complete 28 articles in this series from February 2011.
Please do check them all out:-)