A guest post from Stacey Curnow.
Have you ever gone through so much pain that you doubted it could have any value?
Sometimes life can present so many challenges you may very well wonder if it will ever end.
Is this pain worth it?
To answer that question, I invite you to look through the eyes of a woman as she labors to give birth to her child.
As a midwife, I have seen this process again and again. In this article, I will share with you both my experiences as a professional and my personal experience with the birth of my son – and 7 key life lessons to take away.
“What is to give light must endure burning.” – Victor Frankl
1. Life comes with very few instructions.
There is no how-to kit for life, and we learn as go along. Sometimes it all comes easily, and other times it’s like knocking your head against a wall.
In the same way, most of the instructions given to pregnant women are inadequate – not least because they encourage women to focus on the little things related to their pregnancy and miss the big picture.
When I am in clinic, I try to give them the big picture – pregnancy is the “new normal.”
When you’re not pregnant it’s not normal to feel nauseated, dizzy, and most of all, in pain. But when you are pregnant it often is. That’s the bottom line, and it’s unlikely to change.
So just know that at certain phases in your life, you will have to face some challenges, no matter what.
2. Learn to bear the pain.
Notice that I said pain and not something else, like discomfort.
I remember thinking when I was pregnant that if I hadn’t known that such multifaceted pain was normal, I would have gone to the ER and presented my complaints with a hope for a cure. But there is no cure. There is simply the will to bear it.
You either have the will to dig in and prepare for more or not.
Fortunately, the intensity of physical pain that women feel in pregnancy, labor and birth doesn’t happen much in the rest of our lives. And yet there’s plenty of other pain—physical and emotional—and just as in childbirth we have to dig in no matter what challenges we face, always trusting that there’s a reason for what we’re going through, and something greater on the other side.
3. You are far stronger than you think.
Going through so much pain sounds frightening. And looking ahead to birth, many women are frightened. That’s because even in a world full of amazing women athletes, entrepreneurs, and astronauts (not to mention billions of mothers) most women don’t know just how strong they really are until they gestate and give birth to another human being.
In the same way, you are far more capable than you give yourself credit for. The world is full of people who have faced adversity – when you face up to it, you are more likely to surprise yourself and come out on top rather than fail.
4. Prepare yourself for life.
The most unfortunate thing about women underestimating themselves is that many of them give up even before taking something on and they pass up the opportunity to train, prepare and become even stronger.
Women who are pregnant should behave like they are in training, like Olympic athletes, or serious applicants for the space program.
Of course the same goes for our lives – we have to be in training and focus on getting better at what we do. Knowing that you are already very able, you can prepare yourself for any challenges that life may throw at you.
5. Find and choose your friends and supporters carefully.
Even for those people who have trained for years, actually performing — whether in a stadium or on the space shuttle—remains the ultimate challenge, achieved under unique and unpredictable circumstances.
Similarly, there are as many experiences of labor and birth as there are women and no “correct” way to do them.
So when patients and friends come to talk to me about their pregnancies, my first suggestion is that they find a provider they trust, and put together a team of additional supporters.
It’s quite a challenge for a woman to have the type of birth she feels is right for her and her child, without engaging and planning with the people around her.
In life too, it’s rare that we’ll be able to accomplish a vision or goal all by ourselves. It’s so important that we ask for help when we need it – and we are open to receiving it.
6. Have a vision of what you want.
As vital as it is to get help, receiving it is really only possible if a woman goes into birth with a clear vision of how she wants things to go.
In the same way, it’s important that you go through your life with a clear vision of what you want. And don’t be afraid to share your vision with the other people in your life.
There is no correct way of going through life – you learn and live through your challenges and your mistakes – the lessons will come. The trick is to learn from them!
7. Face your greatest fear in order to overcome it.
I chose to have a natural home birth with my midwife, also dear friend attending on me. As we talked about preparing for the birth she asked me what my greatest fear was. I told her that I was haunted by the story of one of my fellow students in midwifery school – she too had planned a homebirth with a midwife, but after many hours of labor at home she ended up in the hospital with an epidural and forceps delivery.
I told my midwife that I was afraid I would also suffer the same fate. However, since there is a lot of anecdotal evidence to suggest that the more a woman states what she does not want in child birth, the more likely it is to happen, I kept my birth plan simple.
“I know what I want. My support team knows what I want. I will do what my midwife says.” That was it.
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” – Buddha
However, the Law of Attraction always holds – simply put, energy flows where attention goes, so you get what you think about, even if you don’t want it.
So it was no surprise that I came up against my greatest fear!
After a relatively short labor time of 12 hours, I was fully dilated, but I didn’t make much progress after pushing strenuously for two hours. At this point my midwife told me to get into a squatting position. In my exhaustion, I told her, “After the next contraction.”
When the next contraction came and I said that again, I glanced up just at the moment when all of my support people looked at each other as if to say, “Here it is, the thing she feared.”
And then the vision I had for my homebirth, the one they had supported me in, took hold.
In the next moment they had taken me in their arms to support me in a squat – I found that position better for pushing, and although it took another hour, my baby was finally born.
And what an amazing feeling that was!
Instead of fearing the pain and running from it, I faced it, learned from it (what I was doing wasn’t working), acted on the lesson, and received the greatest gift of my life – my baby boy.
Pain can be a guide, leading you to a magnificent creation.
Enduring pain does not make you a better person – I am all for pain medicine if the woman wants it, and I am convinced that parenting another human being brings meaning and joy whether it happens with or without outside intervention.
But if your mind and body are prepared, the pain you feel in labor—and the effort to embrace it, move toward it, and work with it—can be transmuted into a gift that informs the rest of your life.
That’s because labor and birth are intensely spiritual and physical all at once. As such, they are also apt metaphors for life.
So stay open and be willing to receive the messages in pain—whether that pain is physical or spiritual.
This is one of life’s greatest challenges, and running away from it is also one of life’s greatest temptations.
It takes enormous courage to stay with the pain long enough to hear what it has to say.
Yet, working with pain and developing the ability to rise above it to reach your vision allows you to tap into something profound and magical that can remind you of your true power.
And that will serve you well for the rest of your life.
Read more from Stacey Curnow at her blog and also check out her life coaching practice.
Hi Arvind,
Good post as usual. Although I don’t like it, I view pain as an opportuity for growth and to learn more about myself. Having had more than my share of pain in my life, I have found that I indeed am stronger than I think I am and that my carefully chosen support system is vital. It is during moments of pain that I often find out who my “real” friends are. Looking for that goal is often, for me, elusive. Often, people don’t allow themselves to feel pain, so they do not really know what you are talking about…it takes courage to feel pain (something that I am still learning). Those that do not understand usually want you to hurry up and feel better as they view it as discomfort. Sorry to ramble on, but you should be used to that.
Take Care,
Coleen
HI Coleen!
Thank you so much for your comment!
I love the Victor Frankl quote posted above. (Frankl was a Holocaust survivor, psychiatrist and writer.) I feel it’s a beautiful, succinct way of saying that pain can have meaning and value. Still, as you noted, nobody *likes* getting burned, and it’s understandable that we try to avoid it.
I’m so glad that you, too, have found that you are “indeed stronger” than you thought you were before you experienced the pain! Thank you, again, for sharing your experience here. It really does help to spread the light! Much love, Stacey
To think that all women are capable of going through this experience, and we man probably have similar ones (although I can’t think of anything right now 🙂 ) is quite empowering. We are hipper-complex structures, made to live, grow, and adapt. Who cares that you have a bad hair day?
Eduard,
I think of other painful experiences like loss, grief, emotional pain, physical pain is empowering…For me, it often makes me a better person. As I age, I don’t care about bad hair days except for slept on hair days.
CC
Hi Eduard!
Thanks so much for your comment! Like Coleen said in her reply to you, pain *is* a universal experience and we have all been “burned” by that particular fire.
I once heard a Buddhist say, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a choice.”
I’m so glad that you, too, find our ability to “live, grow, and adapt” in the presence of pain empowering! Thanks again for sharing your comment! Much love, Stacey
What an amazing shift – I look back on my life, see what I’ve been through – it hasn’t been a hard life, but it hasn’t been the easiest, either – and then I look at the the challenges and desires ahead of me and I think, yes, I’m strong enough: I’ve proved it again and again. Thanks so much for that insight, Stacey! What an amazing perspective!
Hi Doug!
Thanks so much for your reply! I love that you wrote “I’m strong enough: I’ve proved it again and again.”
I think the great good news about living a long life – even one filled with challenges – is that we can truly enjoy this perspective! It is, perhaps, too much to ask of the young. 🙂
Thanks again for your note! Much love, Stacey
Stacey, great post! Thanks for sharing your intimate story. Not much in life can extend us as much as child birth. Too bad half the population will never get to partake 🙂
Lori
Hi Lori!
Thanks so much for your kind comment! I agree with you that it’s unfortunate that men don’t get to partake in the physical aspects of childbirth, but then, I’m a little biased. 🙂 Thanks again for your note! Much love, Stacey
Stacey,
I am vouch for labor pains, twice. Both birth stories were different and so are kids, second was toughest for me, but lucky for most women, we lose selected memories else we will not have kids ever again.
I think though men go through other pains that equally hard on them, how we bear and come out of pain, shapes us.
Arvind, you have good guest posters!! I am getting to know other good writers through here. Thanks.
Hi Zengirl!
Thanks so much for your note! Yes, another one of the “truisms” I share with my patients is that every pregnancy is different. As another Buddhist said, “We never step into the same river twice.” 🙂
I’m SO glad you shared your appreciation of Arvind here! Of course I am a big fan, too! He saw that the universal could be projected from my very personal experience and I am so grateful to him for helping me re-write the article to help that be more clear, and for publishing it on his blog, and for providing me with such a wonderful opportunity to know his readers better!
Thanks again for your note! Much love, Stacey
Hi Stacey –
I love your perspective on life and the amazing experience of birth. Most men probably never experience the physical pain and joy that comes during this amazing moment. I do think that pain and suffering can teach us about life and give an insight deeper into the nature of being. Yet there are many pathways for all of us – contemplation, meditation, experience, success, failure, just being, practising, playing. The secret is to find the divine in every experience and in every moment. Sounds simple – takes a lifetime (lifetimes) to master! Thanks for a great post.
Phil
Hi Phil!
Thanks so much for your note!
And, yes, it’s so true: There are *plenty* of opportunities for men to experience the transformative nature of pain that I talk about related to the birth of my child. And your thoughts about the “pathways” available for *all* of us are so appreciated! Thank you for sharing them. I especially like that you mentioned play! One of my favorite quotes is:
“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.” – C.G. Jung
Thanks again for your note! Much love, Stacey
I was always scared like hell when I thought about childbirth! And then I got pregnant . Oh, my God that was another state of mind- to be scared was silly and the pain unimportant. Think the nature is doing the right thing, in most cases! Few weeks later I had miscarriage, but I’m not afraid anymore, I know it’s worth it! The feeling of creating a new life!
Hi zmajeva!
Thanks so much for your comment! I, too, had a miscarriage after my first pregnancy, and while it was a blow, I took comfort in knowing that miscarriages are very common (1 in 4 pregnancies end in them) and that the likelihood of maintaining a future pregnancy is very high.
I’m SO glad you are not afraid anymore! I wish you all the best! Thanks again for your comment and take wonderful care! Much love, Stacey
These are excellent points you make here. I have found in my personal life facing the fear head on works best for me, sometimes it may be very challenging but growth I believe, cannot come when we become too Comfortable. I feel the need to strech and expand, therefore I actually really don’t take for granted the challenges that appear, instead I choose to embrace them and take them on and learn the lesson in order to grow from it. Excellent post!
Baker
Hi Baker!
Thanks so much for your comment!
And thanks, also, for sharing your thoughts on pain events. Again, it’s so understandable that we try to avoid them, but the more we share the message that we can, as you say, “choose to embrace them and take them on and learn the lesson in order to grow from them” the better!
I especially appreciate that you said that you don’t take challenges for granted – what a lovely and unique perspective!
Thank you again, Baker, for sharing. Much love, Stacey
First, the photo with the mother and baby is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a great life-affirming photo of joy and unity.
Next, I noticed the quote was Victor Frankl (perhaps from his book Man’s Search For Meaning) “What is to give light must endure burning”. Spoken by a man who endured the concentration camps.
If one can find meaning and endure under such circumstances what a tribute to the human spirit. To focus on the light and recognize that the burning is part of the process. That is beyond surviving, it is thriving. The resilience of the human spirit is mind-boggling to me.
It was great reading your perspective of pain as it relates to the birthing process.
Lauren
Hi Lauren!
Thanks so much for your comment!
Indeed, the quote is from Frankl’s memoir, Man’s Search for Meaning. I talked about it a little bit more when I responded to Coleen’s comment: I love the Victor Frankl quote posted above. (Frankl was a Holocaust survivor, psychiatrist and writer.) I feel it’s a beautiful, succinct way of saying that pain can have meaning and value.
Yes, I think one of the most inspiring stories I’ve ever read featuring a courageous response to a painful event is found in Frankl’s memoir. He experienced all the horrors of a Nazi concentration camp existence and yet he learned that he alone got to choose his response to every situation and that gave his life meaning. He said of the Nazis, “They can take away everything except my ability to love them.”
Thank you again, Lauren, for your comment. What a pleasure to meet another person who admires Frankl! Much love, Stacey
Lovely Stacey,
Thank you! One of the most profound experiences I had was as a young college student at Boston University. My best college friend is Jewish and we studied for a year with Elie Weisel.
Out of a couple hundred students I was probably the only Gentile int he class. What a remarkable education for me. One of our assignments that year was to read Man’s Search For Meaning. Elie Weisel’s books are very powerful as well.
Oddly, what I remember most is shaking Elie Weisel’s hand in Santa Barbara after he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize. I remember that because he had the most strong, yet gentle handshake. His handshake said it all about who he was.
People like these individuals give so much hope and courage. I love that you would add a quote by Victor Frankl. Any other favorites you could share?
xoxoxo
Lauren
Hi Lauren!
Thanks so much for coming back here to continue the conversation!
Oh my goodness, I got chills when I read that you studied for a year with Elie Wiesel! What an incredible gift!!! I had the good fortune of hearing him speak at UNC-Chapel Hill in the early ’90’s and it was extraordinary. But it was only an hour – I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in his presence for a year!!!
Oh my gosh, I have so many more quotes I love! So many that I have a quote featured on my blog every Tuesday! 🙂 I hope you will join me there for more delightful conversation! Much love, Stacey
When I had my children, the pain was bad but knowing there was such a wonderful outcome made it easier to bear. That’s the fortunate part of childbirth pain — we know the outcome. With other kinds of pain, we don’t have the blessing of that assurance. That makes the pain even more painful. In those situations, you are absolutely right when you say you must look for the good that results from the pain. It’s hard to do in the moment, but it can make even the most difficult situations have some greater purpose.
Thank you for the lovely post Stacey!
Hi Barrie!
Thanks so much for your comment!
Yes, you bring up an interesting point: We anticipate that the outcome of childbirth will be positive, and so it makes the pain easier to bear. But the fact is that birth can end with unexpected and undesired outcomes, too.
So for any moment, in any event, I want to develop the willingness to see the good and necessary in *any* outcome. Again, as the conversation here has illuminated, this is not easy, and to quote Phil above, “may take a lifetime (or lifetimes) to master.” 🙂
Thanks again, Barrie, for your thoughtful and thought-provoking comment! Much love, Stacey
Hi Stacey,
You have so beautifully expressed all the points here. The feeling is different when the doctor handles the baby in the hands of the mother we forget everything. The moment my daughter was given in my hands – I felt so proud and that is the wonderful life experience. One time in my life I can at least say I enjoyed the pain. I must say beautiful pictures.
My favourite book is “Man’s Search For Meaning” – Victor Frankl
I have bookmarked your blog and do keep writing great posts.
Bye for now,
Cheryl Paris Blog
HI Cheryl!
Thanks so much for your kind note! It is wonderful to hear that you enjoyed the pain of childbirth, knowing that it helped bring your daughter to your hands! And how lovely to know that Frankl’s memoir is also a favorite of yours! I am so delighted by the community I have found on Arvind’s blog! Much love, Stacey
I’m so happy to have found this blog. Amazing post Stacey! Life truly is cyclical and beautiful and the circle is unbroken.
Hi Liz!
I’m so happy you found Arvind’s blog, too: Both Arvind and his blog are gems! Thank you for sharing such a lovely and important sentiment! Much love, Stacey